When Connection Becomes A Collection.
A Bless This Mess Blog by Gemma North
As I was driving my daughter to school this morning, she asked me to put on a song that is apparently her fave at the moment. It was called Popular by The Weekend (with Playboi & Madonna). Never heard of it. (Refer back to previous blog on Midlife.)
Despite being slightly disappointed by the repetitive nature of the song (again refer back to blog on Midlife), the lyrics did catch my attention:
Begging on her knees to be popular
That’s her dream to be popular
Kill anyone to be popular
Sell her soul to be popular.
I wondered if my daughter had really listened to those lyrics and, furthermore, processed the depressing warning about influencer, social media, pop culture fame of the 21st Century. (She is 9. I doubt it.) I, however, thought it was pertinent that a current song was highlighting this desperate need to be liked and validated at all costs, even to the extent that this popular lass was willing to ‘kill anyone and sell her soul to be popular'.
In my last career as an actor, I witnessed, and was part of, many popularity contests in varying forms. Castings were reminiscent of being picked for a sports team at school: “Choose me and I’ll give you my Fredo bar at break. What? Why did you choose Victoria? She eats dried apricots in her break time, she’s got nothing for you!” Or there was IMDB, an online celebrity source that basically made it glaringly obvious how popular an actor you were by ranking you on a STARmeter. There were previews, networking events, wrap parties: “Oh, yes! I know we worked together last year! We’re pretty much BFFs now! Anyway, got to go, there’s someone more popular over there that I want to speak to.”
Playboi got me thinking…(never thought I'd say that)...
One of my top five values is Connection but how many of my ‘network' are true connections and how many are simply part of a collection, consisting of a scraping together of popularity points? Have I tricked myself into believing I have made connections? How many of the associations were formed by people-pleasing and drip-feed validation?
This is essentially how Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms have gained such huge success. We can all feel popular and validated by how many people follow us and how many likes we have without having to connect on a level that is truthful, vulnerable or authentic. We can stay on the surface of connection and go about our days happy in the knowledge that, out there, somewhere, we have a really funny friend called Trixie who we once met at a party, who was a friend of Fran’s and we haven’t spoken to them at all since but she did like the picture of our avocado on toast so…#stillmates.
And it is this flimsy social blanket that just about thaws the cold loneliness, that sticks a plaster over the vulnerability scab and sends us to the Dark Side of Connection. Friends of friends of friends of friends who offer the tiniest tickle of validation. The panicked popularity posts of people living their best lives with their best partners and best friends and best dogs. The scrolls of comparison. The groan of being added to another WhatsApp group. The growing collection of pals with which 99.9% of them we share zero loyalty, confidentiality, respect and genuine curiosity with, but hey, look how connected we are!
Connected we may be, but is this connection?
I don’t believe that connection is throwing a net over a lot of people, gathering them to me and calling them my friends. For me, connection is authentic presence with another person. It is a choice to sacrifice my time to listen, share, lean in, confide and be truly myself with another person. Dark side connection takes no time at all; a click, a one word response, an emoji.
In order to truly connect, we need to be willing to offer these four things:
Time and Space. Offering time to those those you want to authentically bond with allows you to explore vast, unexplored spaces of trust and intimacy.
Active Listening and Observation. Listen to understand what is truly being said, not simply to respond. Observe their body language, facial expressions and general tone to glean what the subtext of what they are saying is. How often can you say that you have done this? How often can you say you have received this level of attention?
Curiosity and Vulnerability. Lean in using open questions that create space for the other person to think. Try not to only respond from your perspective and ensure you inquire into their feelings. Hold back from trying to find solutions to their problems or worries and instead, ask questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “I’m curious to know, what else you feel about that?” Or “Do you need any help figuring this out or do you just want to vent?” For this level of conversation to take place you will both need to feel comfortably confident enough to be vulnerable with each other.
‘The Magic If’. This term was coined by theatre practitioner Konstantin Stanislavski and refers to an actor being able to place themselves in their character’s situation to gain a better understanding of what the character is facing. In other words, empathy. So, use The Magic If with the person you want to connect with. Take the time to assess how you would feel if you were them. Through empathy, the other person feels heard, seen and understood, which really is magic when it comes to connection.
So, after writing this blog, I have drawn a line through Connection on my core values list - which may seem as though it invalidates my message of how important I believe true connection to be but...hold the line, please. Connection is graciously usurped by Vulnerability for vulnerability is at the core of connection. It is the bright side of connection. With vulnerability, my dark side collection of popularity points dwindles beautifully to a bijou cluster of meaningful relationships. Relationships that can be nurtured and tended to because you have the time. (After all you have loads of free time now you are not curating your Insta page, right?)
And perhaps Playboi & Madonna will never deem me as ’Popular’, but I think I am okay with that.
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